Friday, February 20, 2015


I love having a little time to myself.
Listening to music, getting emails sent, tidying up, making lunch.
It's not often I get to do this anymore, with school and work and all.
Roomates add to this.
I spelled it wrong intentionally.
You see, with roommates, there is no room, no space. Even space for quiet. There's always bustle and noise, people over, and chatter chatter chatter.
Living with other people is hard. Growing up in a big family, I thought that the constant goings-on were just a part of being in a family, ad it is, but its a part of life too, and I have a really hard time getting used to it.
Part of it is space, that is, physical space. Three people in one room is a lot, and even though I lived with my two sisters in one room for years, this is different. Separated from the context of family, sharing space is awkward and frustrating. It's like being in a family that has no unconditionals. If you're frustrated, you can't just express your frustration. I miss the closeness and understanding of family, the safeness. You don't ever really feel left out in a family, either. You're all there for each other. Always.
Three is a hard number. One person is always set apart. Being an introvert and the least close to them, that's usually me. And I'm hypersensitive to it, which is my fault, not theirs.

So when I'm enjoying that little, scarce time to myself and The apartment gets bombarded with stress, hurrying, noise, and small rude gestures, I do get upset. And I don't want to talk, chat about your boyfriend, or the plans you made for people to come over  the weekend that I am not a part of and wasn't asked about.
I just need space.

Friday, May 9, 2014


He's mad at me.
Who cares?
Is it even worth it or even right to explain to someone that you didn't ever want them?
That you wanted an arm around you, a shoulder to lean on? A companion?
It'd just hurt him more to explain.
Let him be mad. Let him move on.

Friday, February 28, 2014

A thought I found that I had felt was important enough to write down.

Harmonica players seems overly erotic to me.
They're French kissing their instrument and making not very lovely sounds come out the other end.

it's been a while....

She was at a bonfire tonight. A few stars were out, the guys were singing, and all was right.
She can only take it for so long, being the only girl who hasn't had someone. A girl who wants someone to love her, she who loves everyone so much. She only wants a little love in return.
They don't understand. They all have someone, someone who sees their imperfections, their weirdness as beautiful. 
If there ever is a guy, let him be a nice guy. They're all so nice -- she wonders if there are any nice guys left. One that she can belong to. She really just wants to belong to one. One, that's all, just one. The right one. A man she can love with all her might and know she is loved back. A man with a good smile, strong hands, a deep laugh and an even deeper singing voice. A man who isn't afraid of being seen with her. A man who doesn't need affirmation of his masculinity. A man who can say no to her, and then make her laugh.
Anyone will do, as long as he's the right one.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

If you wanna be my lover...

I just really want to be in a relationship. A GOOD relationship. That's why this is dumb. I am so impatient, wanting a guy to like me, and not just any old guy, or even any attractive guy, but the perfect guy.
I'm never going to find anyone like this, nor will anyone find me.
Because I'm dumb.

Toodles, noodles.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

review. Month one.

I love college.
The people are amazing...
I have made more friends here in a month than I  have in the course of m life.
We're all here with similar mindsets,
similar backgrounds, goals, families.
And we all understand each other.
I keep hearing it over and over.
I fel like I've known you my whole life.
I can't believe we weren't friends a month ago.
talking about visiting each other's states.
A month into school.
It's so wonderful
Everyone is a friend
A comrade
A confidante.
Someone to trust, to look up to,
and the appreciate.
Maybe to love.